Those Words Will Haunt Me Forever

This is part of a collection of short stories depicting and detailing true events and personal experiences in my life, with a few tweaks for the privacy of all involved.

Ripped off. I feel ripped off. And I feel deceived. Words that once rang an uplifting tune of hope and faith in my mind aren’t so uplifting anymore. Instead, they remind me of what I could have been, what I dreamed of being and what I haven’t achieved.

Parenting is difficult at the best of times. We all knew it would be difficult but did we expect this? Probably not. Were we prepared for this? I don’t think so. And are we doing it right? Who knows!? One thing I do know is I trusted everyone when they told me “you are going to make a great mother one day.” I believed them! I was good with kids, I was fun and down to earth, I was responsible and most of all, kids loved me. I was going to make a fantastic mother! Everyone had me convinced……

Flash forward to now. I have two beautiful daughters and I love them to the end of the universe and back again. Do I make sure they aren’t hungry? Yes. Do I make sure they have clean clothes? Yes. Do they have warm beds to sleep in? Every single night. Are they happy? I hope so. Am I a fantastic mother? No, I’m not. I’m not even close. I get frustrated, I yell, I say things I don’t mean when I’ve been pushed and pushed and pushed… I am, in no way, a fantastic mother and I am definitely not the mother I want to be.

Life is full of variables. Variables throw you off course, they change the route you were on and they put you on a road you weren’t prepared for. It doesn’t mean you are lost, it just means you need a new map! A new approach……

Maybe I’m not the mother I wanted to be but that doesn’t mean I’m not on my way there. I am learning every day. I am learning to be patient, to apologise and to forgive – and I am learning it along with my girls. But damn, I wish nobody had ever built my expectations of myself.

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